Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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