i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
