If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
