with your own penis?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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