My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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