So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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