i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
