Apparently you make a good broom.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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