I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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