Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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