so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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