THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
