my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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