Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
