I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
