if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
