we have pet lesbian snakes
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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