How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
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It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
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My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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