Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
