why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death