Apparently you make a good broom.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.