Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
