I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
