and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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