Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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