Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
