He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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