did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
