His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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