so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
