I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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