i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
