I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
