I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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