she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
