i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
