my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
