i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
