so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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