I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
