We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
