the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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