So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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