is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
