Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
