I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
