I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
