My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
