imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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