I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
