gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
