I didn't shave. On purpose
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
