i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
