How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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