i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
