Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize