i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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