i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
