Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize