Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
