I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
