Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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