How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We got so high we made milksteak
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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